


For The Love of a Son

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge [8]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Ten Facts, and he's not a saint either, because kylo also gets the short end of the stick, because seriously han gets the short end of the stick in fandom, ben solo is a daddy's boy, gapfiller, han and leia's A+ communication skills, he's just han solo, hope i didn't butcher anything, in which han solo is not a horrible father, troubled parent han solo, troubled parent leia organa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 12:35:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9323876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Ten things about Han and Ben/Kylo Ren.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

1\. He is both nervous and excited about becoming a father, that he won't lie about. He and Leia both didn't have good birth parents (Han's being absent, Leia's being dead in her mom's case and evil in her dad's case) and he is wondering how good of a father he will be. At least he and Leia had good chosen families -- Leia's adoptive family, and Chewie's family. Han has a feeling that without them, he and Leia probably would be worse off than they are now.   
  
At least he has a good model for what to avoid. His birth parents' mistakes are a good starter. No matter what happens, he is going to give their child all the love they deserve, and that's a promise.   
  
2\. It's a few years into Ben's life that there's trouble in paradise...so to speak.   
  
Leia doesn't like that he's gone off racing so very often, but he made a promise to her and Ben that they wouldn't have to live in the same hell that he did. Han can remember those days, young and fighting for survival. If not for Chewie and his family, Han doesn't know where he'd be right now.  
  
He doesn't like being away from home either. He likes -- loves -- being at home with Leia and their sweet, wonderful, invaluable son. But there is a voice in the back of his mind that wonders if he's good enough, providing enough for Leia and Ben. Being a Senator isn't a low-paying job for Leia. And yet Han worries.   
  
He knows what he is certain of is that no matter what, Ben will never be disappointed in him, or in his life, or in himself. He'll never know unhappiness. People say that the odds of that are low but then again, Han Solo has never cared much for the odds.   
  
3\. Unfortunately, it puts him at odds with Leia. She hates seeing him leave; they argue day in and day out about the matter of leaving. Han supposes that she has always hated seeing him leave and now, he doesn't like leaving himself, but she has no idea what he's trying to do. How he's trying to make sure she and Ben are happy. It's in the middle of one of their arguments that he hears Ben sniffle, and he feels an immediate sort of guilt punch through him like a vibroblade as he goes to his three year old son and hugs him.   
  
He tries reassuring Ben that it's all right, that he and Leia are just going through a bad patch (boy is that ever an understatement, actually). He just wishes, as the tiny boy sobs in his arms, that he could believe it himself.   
  
  
4\. The truth about the matter of absences is that it gets worse after Ben's sent to the Academy.   
  
Leia doesn't even tell him why. She's evasive as anything when Han tries to broach the subject, a subject that even when it's not discussed simmers beneath the surface in a way that Han hates and simply wants to breach. _You don't usually hide things, Leia. What's on your mind anyway?_  
  
He doesn't like that new element of evasiveness with Leia, wishes that they could just discuss things like people do when they trust each other and love each other, but Leia just seems to be hesitating to bring it all up. Like it's too difficult to do so.   
  
And maybe that's another thing he misses besides Ben -- the days when they used to talk to each other about these things.   
  
  
5\. Ben loves fixing the Falcon. Just the absolute glee he gets in showing his little cousin around the Falcon, showing her how things work (and she's about as in awe as he is), and his grin when he manages to get something on the Falcon working (even if it takes a while, part of which is thanks to Han being really disorganized when it comes to his tools), is enough to make Han, no matter what mood he's in, grin along with him. And along the way they talk about the Academy, how his cousin's training is going (and Ben practically gushes over every accomplishment no matter how small it is), and Han can forget his worries, just for a while.   
  
6\. He denies the truth of the massacre first with his face, then his voice. Calls them sick, every one of them, and it's an awful thing to say, but he at first can't wrap his mind around the idea that he failed Ben and Leia both, failed two people he loves, and that failure kriffed up the galaxy as well.   
  
7\. It's a mission that others probably think he's crazy for -- Han doesn't even know where Ben is, actually. But it's hearing those words from Leia's mouth   
  
_Snoke claimed him_  
  
that sent him into that moment of denial  
  
 _he thought at the time they were all wrong, and Ben can't be gone, that's not how it works_  
  
and now that he's recovered a bit, he's going straight into action. He doesn't know where Ben is. It doesn't matter. Han's traveled farther, and he's traveled in worse conditions, and he is not going to give up on Ben no matter what it takes. It can't end here. Not like this.   
  
So he travels across the stars, wherever he can, taking on the odd job here and there, all while never letting Ben out of his mind. He watches the holonews even when it gets his blood pressure up, And he wonders if that's Ben, if Ben's in that stormtrooper armor (it really is like the Empire all over again, Han thinks. It really is just like last time), if Ben's part of the Knights of Ren (and who calls themselves that anyway?), if he's...anywhere.   
  
He doesn't stop looking. He never does.   
  
8\. He still has to turn on the holoscreens just to hear his son's voice even   
  
_especially_  
  
after he finally connects the dots and knows which one is Ben. The masked man's voice is not quite his son's voice, not really; everything about it is distorted and strange-sounding, and it doesn't fit him. Vader's voice was something like what an evil droid would sound like, while Kylo Ren's  
  
 _no, Ben's. He refuses to call him anything else. He refuses to call him Kylo Ren_  
  
sounds like something out of the shadows, out of the darkness. He hates listening to both voices (Vader in his memories, Ben's over the holoscreen) but when his crew is asleep, thankfully, he turns on the holoscreens because he has to hear Ben, even if it's through that ridiculous mask.   
  
It's rare when he does actually hear Ben's voice -- not much of the news actually captures Ben talking. But when he does, it's almost as if his heart skips a beat. He leans forward, trying to catch everything he can, everything Ben's saying, because this is one of the few times that Han can actually hear his voice.   
  
9\. He can't help but like Rey. There is something, still, in the way that she and Big Deal act, and interact, and things of that nature, that remind him still of Ben -- even Rey's smile reminds him of Ben and the matter of his energy, so bright at times it seemed like a sun. It brings back memories of stuff like teaching Ben to play sabaac, and Ben's glee when he beat him  
  
 _Force, that girl...even her grin as she tells him how she bypassed the compressor is so very Ben that it's almost painful because it reminds him almost of that grin Ben had after winning those games_  
  
talking with Ben about how things went at the Academy (he never got the measure of the Force and always did disagree with the idea of the Light and Dark Side because in the end, the Force doesn't have a say, it's just us and the choices we make, but he was always proud of his son), things like that, and he wonders absently if Rey and Finn both are his greatest second chance.   
  
10\. He doesn't deny that he's nervous when he heads out to the bridge. But he heads out nonetheless because he knows that he loves Ben Solo  
  
 _and no matter what they call him now he is still Ben, still_  
  
more than anything else, and he promised Leia that he would bring him home. He's almost forgotten how much he loves this boy -- even after Takodana, even after the Hosnian system. Finn and Rey wouldn't have understood what he was like back then, how he was the son anyone could ask for and Han wasted it because he couldn't see what was literally right in front of him.   
  
Is he like Vader? He hasn't hurt his wife or son physically, but he left his marks on them emotionally. Even if they were good intentions. Even if they were things where he just didn't mean to.   
  
But he knows it isn't too late to make it right. He can save Ben. He doesn't even have to bring him back to the Jedi -- maybe they and Leia and Rey and Finn can go off and fight crime together. As long as they're together. Always.   
  
Han takes a deep breath. This is one of the hardest things he's done -- he's faced off against bounty hunters and the Empire and the Guavian Death Gang and Kanjiclub, but nothing can really compare to this. This is more personal. Just him, Ben, the mistakes they both made, and hopefully a second chance to make up for them.   
  
No use delaying anymore. Han calls across the bridge.   
  
"BEN!"


End file.
